How To Figure Out What You’re Into Sexually

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

“So, what are you into?” asks the hot guy on Tinder, or the gorgeous woman sitting across from you on the couch, sipping red wine after a lovely dinner out somewhere nice.
“S***, what do I say? What am I into?” you think to yourself…

Don’t worry. You are not alone my friend!

In a world where we are all expected to love ourselves and be ultra-self-aware, not having a TEDx-worthy presentation detailing our extensive list of sexual desires on hand can leave us feeling like there is something wrong with us.
Fear not, we are going to explore a few ways that you can start to discover what it is that really lights your fire in the boudoir!

When attempting to figure out what you are really into sexually it is helpful to rid yourself of any preconceived ideas of what you think you “should” be into, consider your past sexual experiences, explore any fantasies you might have, and finally learn to connect with your body and listen to what it is telling you.

Bear in mind that our sexual appetites, along with our likes and dislikes can change frequently depending on all manner of influences. What you find to be a real turn on today, might not do anything for you tomorrow – and that’s ok!

What You “Should” Be Into

When it comes to how we enjoy expressing our sexuality, we are all different. You are unlikely to meet anybody with whom you share identical sexual interests, desires, kinks, fantasies etc.

Porn is a good example of something that has somewhat conditioned us into believing what we “should” be into. You might be surprised to learn that not all guys are fans of deepthroat blowjobs, squirting is not the pinnacle of sexual bliss for all vulva-owners, and not everyone enjoys penetrative sex – crazy huh?!
Give yourself full permission to be into whatever it is you’re into or not into, and don’t “yuck anyone else’s yum” - there really is no place for the words “should” or “shouldn’t” when it comes to our sexual interests (barring anything illegal of course)!
 
There is no silver bullet to instantly rid yourself of any shame, guilt, or embarrassment that you might feel when thinking about what turns you on. The best thing you can do is to remember that we all have these types of desires to one extent or another – you are perfectly normal and “should” or “shouldn’t” don’t warrant space in your sexual vocabulary!

Past Experiences

Take a moment to think back on your past sexual experiences (with partners or alone).
What are the moments that come to mind where you were most turned on?
Any particular experiences bring a smile to your face when you remember the deliciousness you felt?

If so, what was it about these experiences that you found so erotic or energising? Was it how sensual your lover was? Was it hot, heavy, and rough? Were the kisses to die for? Was it the environment or setting in which the encounter took place that you enjoyed?

You may want to consider jotting your thoughts down in a journal and reflecting on them. They might just help you explain to a partner what sorts of things make you purr.
 

Exploring Fantasies

Have you ever fantasised while exploring self-pleasure (masturbating)? Are there particular types of erotica or porn that you enjoy?

If either of these things are true, what turned you on? Just like when we thought back to our favourite past experiences, it can be helpful to make a note of these things and use them to inspire us to explore those facets of our sexuality further.

If you feel like exploring your turn-ons with a partner then you might find something like the yes/no/maybe quiz at Carnal Calibration useful.
Because both partners answer separately and answers only appear in the results where there is mutual interest you don’t need to fear any judgement of your responses – who knows, maybe you’ll both say yes to having sex at the beach!
 

Connect With Your Body

When thoughts enter your mind that turn you on, you see something hot in a film, or perhaps you read something that lights your fire – listen to your body.

If you find that you don’t experience pleasure in your body all that often then you may want to consider slowing things down and engaging in some self-pleasure exploration.
Gentle touching of your body in a comfortable environment can be perfect for allowing your mind to ease into a sexy space. Remember too that it doesn’t all have to be focussed on your genitals. Lightly stroking your skin with something soft, experimenting with toys, and even lovingly applying moisturiser to your body can all provide opportunities to explore what feels good for you.

You may even find that sexual meditation is helpful for connecting with your body and sexual energy.

It’s a Journey

Exploring our sexuality is an exciting journey with no specific destination.
Give yourself permission to take things slowly, explore new things, keep what works for you and discard what doesn’t - listen to your body.

Whatever desires you do discover are totally normal. Embrace them with love and enjoy the deliciousness they offer.

At the end of the day it’s perfectly ok if you are still discovering what turns you on. It’s also ok to let your partner know that you are still exploring your sexuality. Who knows, they may love the thought of embarking on that journey with you?!